Please note: From 1 August 2026, session fees will increase to £60 per session. Thank you for your understanding and for allowing me to support you.
When guilt isn’t actually yours
When guilt doesn’t feel like it fits
You might notice a feeling of guilt that feels strong, persistent, and hard to shake — even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
It can feel confusing.On some level, you know your actions don’t go against your values… and yet the guilt is still there.
Not all guilt is the same
Guilt isn’t always a bad thing.
Sometimes it shows up when we’ve acted in a way that doesn’t sit right with us. It can help us reflect, repair, and move forward differently.
But not all guilt works like this.
Sometimes guilt shows up when you:
- set a boundary
- say no
- prioritise yourself
- or do something that someone else doesn’t like
And that’s where it can start to feel confusing.
When guilt doesn’t match your values
When guilt feels intense but doesn’t seem to match what you actually believe is right or wrong, it’s often worth getting curious about it.
This is something I often see in people who have experienced controlling or emotionally complex relationships.
Over time, you might have been made to feel responsible for:
- other people’s emotions
- other people’s reactions
- or keeping the peace
Guilt can be a very effective way of controlling someone.
If you feel guilty for upsetting someone, disappointing them, or not meeting their needs, it becomes much harder to act in your own best interests.
Why it can feel so real
Even when part of you knows you haven’t done anything wrong, the feeling of guilt can still be very real.
That’s because it’s often learned over time.
Your system has made a link between:
“looking after myself” → “something is wrong”
So when you do something healthy, like setting a boundary, it can still feel like you’ve done something bad.
A gentle place to start
You don’t need to untangle all of this at once.
But it can help to begin noticing the difference between:
- guilt that reflects your values
- and guilt that comes from something you’ve been taught to carry
You might gently ask yourself:
“Does this guilt relate to something I’ve actually done… or something I’ve learned to feel responsible for?”
A final thought
If this resonates, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
It might mean you’ve spent a long time being made to feel responsible for things that were never yours to hold.
And that’s something that can be understood — and, over time, unlearned.
Written by Sarah Phipps BSc (Hons) DipCouns MBACP
